There’s no God, honey is taking on the metallic taste of radioactivity, and Major Garrett has a job. Clearly nothing matters, so fuck it, let’s go.
3:16 MSNBC: Dana Milbank’s head has more bulges than Christina Hendriks’ body, my stars. He looks like Peter Sarsgaard in Green Lantern.
3:24 CNN: Wolfie’s talking about long lines in Florida. Will there be a mention of Governor Luthor’s conscious decisions to increase those lines?
3:26 CNN: No. But there’s a shortage of pens at a random polling place in Miami! Thanks Wolfie. I’d suggest a drinking game every time obstacles to voting are mentioned without talking about conscious policies deliberately undertaken to depress voter turnout and make it harder for votes to be cast and counted, but there is not enough grain in the world to make that much alcohol.
3:32 MSNBC: Ana Marie Cox! Her outfit looks like it was chosen by the costume designer on Girls. (How’s it feel, Ana Marie Cox, now that the shoe is on the other foot)
3:37 CNN: oh my god Montana Governor Brian Schweitzer is wearing an electric rainbow dream bolo tie. And Van Jones says long lines are like a “poll tax” but attributes them to “structural causes”. One of these is funny and one of these is sad.
3:52 CNN: Another drinking game that the categorical imperative insists should not be undertaken: take a drink every time someone talks about “increased turnout from 2008” without talking about the increase in population in the last four years. Fer instance saying Virginia’s showing “more turnout than 2008” without mentioning there are half a million more people in Virginia now is, uhm, silly.
3:59 CNN: They’re talking about the Mitt Romney vote vending machine in Pennsylvania! And they have a second confirmed case! Oh but wait they’re “fixed” now. Thank goodness, I’m relieved. But what was wrong with the machine? Was it software, hardware? Was it one from Josh Romney’s company? Wolfie: “Hard to believe this could happen, in the United States of America.” Only if you watch CNN, Wolfie.
4:06 whoops it’s Tagg Romney that has the shady ties with the investment firm that owns the voting machine company. Of course Glenn Kessler’s outfit says there’s no need to worry. Hey Kessler should go on CNN, it’d be a good home for him to piss out fires caused by plutocratic voting processes.
4:15 CNN: Mary Matalin is literally gritting her teeth when her husband the Cajun Lizard King is talking. Have some more Maker’s Mark, Mary.
4:22 MSNBC: Chris Matthews you fucking idiot. Joy Reid’s been doing the hard work at whatever the hell NBC thinks The Grio is, documenting the day-to-day voter suppression stuff and doing it in a way that names names, and when you interview her and she’s preaching the Good Stuff you cap it off with “That’s what I tell young people, whenever I talk to them, the act is voting, that’s the actual event, it’s not watching it on TV, you have to get out there and do it.” Thank Christ America is lucky enough to have Chris Matthews be the guardian of the flame of conscience for young people, and that he focuses on it with such fervor.
4:26 CNN There’s a cute little fat kid in a bomber jacket in a polling place some dickhead correspondent is at in New Hampshire. God speed, cute little fat kid. Don’t fill up on civic pride, you’re eating dinner soon.
4:41 CNN Wolfie’s been teasing these first exit poll results like they show Michelle Obama saying “whitey”.
4:49 Fox News: Both Sides Do It Department: apparently there’s an elementary school that has a mural of Barack Obama in the room that’s serving as a polling place. Voter intimidation! I want to drink some Coors Light with someone who is concerned about this.
4:53 MSNBC: these guys are actually doing a fairly good job of talking about voter suppression. Matthews is a cack but everyone he’s interviewing is bringing it up. The slow transition from “objective” media to ones that are not controlled by those dynamics will not be without its upsides.
5:01 CNN: Holy shit Encyclopedia Brown is relevant to this election! Apparently Obama wiped away “three tears” at an Iowa rally on Monday night. But in “The Case of Hilbert’s Song”, a chapter from Encyclopedia Brown Sets the Pace, Encyclopedia Brown deduces a little girl must be lying about something because she cries multiple tears from an outer duct, and multiple tears induced from sadness always fall from an inner duct. And guess what you guys! Obama’s multiple tears all fell from his outer duct. They must have been due to the cold, or the wind. Thanks, Encyclopedia Brown, you have officially been more useful to analysis of this election than John King.
5:08 CNN: Candy Crowley is at the Romney campaign headquarters! Awwwkwwwaaaaaarrrrrrrrrd.
5:17 Exit poll results are starting to trickle in. Don’t trust exit polls, about anything. CNN has a hologram of what Romney and Obama’s baby would look like clicking through how “satisfied” exit polls show Virginia voters to be with Obama. MSNBC is not mentioning them at all. Advantage: MSNBC.
5:23 CNN: YESYESYES As if on cue CNN is starting to break out it’s “virtual” graphics. Right now they have some guy talking in front of a “virtual Senate”, which is a green screen that looks like a 3-D model of the Senate chamber. Keep in mind: this is just a green screen that happens to have a 3-D perspective, the guy talking is not moving or anything. Hopefully CNN will break out true AI later as results start to trickle in.
5:26 CNN: WAIT the guy talking in the “virtual Senate” just rested his arm on one of the 3-D “virtual desks” in the “virtual Senate”. Their technology is more impressive than appears at first glance. I think this indicates CNN will inaugurate the Singularity once the Nevada polls close.
5:45 Made a new post for the actual results, here